Unplanned self-love for Valentine’s Day

Unpredictable Valentines Date

You wake up so early to 1200+ notification from all social media platforms. Most of this feeds are from your crushes, boos, babes, honeybunches, munchkins, bro-zoned, friend-zoned, side-niggad and community admirers that you have been hiding all this days.

You decide that you are a classy chic that you won’t reply to boys who only text you for favors. You have already missed your mother’s wish. Your dad, for lack of credit, had send a long paragraph from one of the community WhatsApp groups just for you. You have missed all this love, which in most cases is unmatched.

As you ponder why some lecturers were born, Kevo calls. You ignore him as thoughts of missing this 8 am class hit the upper chamber of your mind. The same unit that makes you want to leave that course and go to another ‘cheaper’ one like Education or Bachelor of‘gossipology’.

Law of torts has never been easy. You decide that it will be the only year you will be doing a sit in CAT during a special day of love. And as you ponder on how the lecturer said he had a Valentine’s package CAT for you guys, Kevo calls again.

Well there is something about this dude that is so irresistible. The fact that he is handsome, witty and a meme producer makes you want to be attached to him even more. He was blessed with a greater voice than the combination of Jeff Koinange and Johnson Mwakazi.Though he is a friend to Brayo and Collo, the male species who are stereotypical founding members of ‘team mafisi’, you always have some hopes for a better future with him.

Your terms and condition for this kind of the day allows you to only speak two words. So when Kevo asks,“Aje Vivi, rada ni gani,”you are left wondering which accurate two-word phrase to load through the mouthpiece of your phone to the other end.

You are now silent and you can see his smile lighting up his face. He is smiling because he thinks he has made you speechless. He doesn’t say anything on top of that and all of you are breathing heavily over the call.

You wonder which angle to take but before you throw that proverbial‘am busy’kind of statement, the call ends. Now there might be only two factors to that effect. One is that, his bonga points have been depleted or his battery has no charge.Huyu kijana huwa na mashida mob(this boy usually have many problems). `

You sit your behinds (as big as Akothe’s, or should I say as small as Vera Sidika’s?) See I don’t love sarcasm but do you allow me to use just today? So let’s just say you placed your enormous behinds on the edge of you bed logged onto your browser. Statistics over the internet are worrying you. The fact that the Viagra business has green tremendously over the past few days is alarming. In other parts of the country. It is reported that pharmacies will be selling more rubbers and more population reducing pills (P2s).

You close your eyes and pray (for the first time since 2018 ended) that God may protecting you from ending up in the hands of the likes of Kevo, Collo and Brayo. You pray that God should channel their thoughts to the football matches at night and not give women what RapperKhaligraph Jones promised his girlfriend(miti). However much you try to pray, you can see Kevo smiling all through your prayer. Love emojis are dripping from his left eye and they are doing this in the most romantic way.

It is almost class time and you are undecided. Will you make it to class? Maybe yes, maybe no. What about the flowers and cards that you bought to surprise yourself with? Are you going to pick then or instruct some student leader to bring them to your class during the cat? Your plan to cry all your tears emotionally in front of everyone seems not working. Why?

Because Kevo and Brayo are coming over and it is clear what they want from you is well known. Reason? You have started calculating who should come first and who should come later. You have started wondering whether this two are‘herpey’(whether they have herpes).So another stupid question flashes to your mind, “What if the two idiots come at the same time and ask what Dk Kwenye Beat and Hopekid General asked that Nakuru lady?”

So you decide whatever will happen let it happen.Ikue vile itakua. You start browsing through people status on whatsapp. You cannot reply to those romantic messages because you know where they will all lead to. I do not want to say all of them have the same bad intension of exploring your southern hemisphere, but trust me men are toxic nowadays. Not all though, but those you are hanging out with.

You decide to switch on your sub hoofer. It is one left here by one University of Nairobi guy that you have never seen again. You play‘Tetema’as you wait for the two idiots.You slowly gyrate to the music. You play the song the repeat as if you want Diamond to sing till he asks for Salome ainame kidogo. You are actually enjoying twerking and dancing to this tune, something you can never do in public. Three hours later, no one is showing up. And you just conclude, due to their‘ufisiotherapy’they might have met some other girls in town.Unaamua kujibamba.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Of importance is life.

About Brian Khavalaji14 Articles
Brian Khavalaji is a digital content creator, spoken word poet, entertainment enthusiast and VO artist.

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